The simple script that will help you change someone's behavior
I once had a receptionist on my team who was always on her phone at the front desk. It drove me nuts. I’d pass by, see her on her phone, stew for a bit, pass by after my next meeting, and get annoyed again. Maybe she’ll magically change her behavior one day or sense my frustration telepathically and respond accordingly, I thought. Surprise: that never happened. Finally, I walked up one day and said, “Hey, you’re always on your phone when you’re at the front desk. I’d prefer it if you weren’t.”
Her response? “No, I’m not.” Okay, a defense response, I thought. Understandable. But I’m right, so I’m going to double down. “Yes,” I said, “every time I walk by, you’re on your phone.” Our instinct is to try to alter people’s beliefs and actions by introducing data to prove that we are right and they are wrong. It often fails, because in the face of facts that clash with their prior beliefs, people tend to come up with counterarguments or turn away. She wasn’t super happy about the interaction, but because I was her boss, she put her phone away. I didn’t feel awesome about the interaction either, but I was busy. I needed her to do something different and she did.
Aside from creating a psychologically unsafe environment (because not only did it sound like I was annoyed and complaining about her behavior, it kind of seemed like I was spying on her), this is an example of terrible feedback that will never change someone’s behavior. Surprising no one, it didn’t get the results I had hoped for, because the phone came out again and worse, she often tried to hide it. So when we want someone to change their behavior, what can we do?
The way we usually give feedback or try to influence behavior doesn’t work
You’re always late turning in that report. You never take out the garbage. This is the way most feedback conversations go at work or in our personal lives. We tend to not explore first or ask any questions. We make assumptions (often riddled with bias), become defensive when challenged, and attempt to stand our ground no matter what.
First of all, strike “you always” and “you never” from your vocabulary. They do not work when it comes to feedback. Second, don’t start the conversation from a negative place. If you talk to someone when you’re annoyed, you’re going to sound annoyed (or angry, or sad). Third, with just a few more words and a new structure, you can completely change the vibe and outcome of the interaction and start influencing behavior today.
When you want to change someone’s behavior, use this script
When you _______, it makes me feel/causes _______. I would be/we could _______ if you did _______.
With this format, you state their behavior or your perception of their behavior, describe its impact on you (or the team or the family or the company), provide an alternative future or a different impact, and describe the exact behavior you’d like them to do instead to get there. This can look like:
When you interrupt me, it makes me feel like you’re not listening. I would feel more heard if you wait until I’m done talking before you respond.
When you get to work late, it holds the team up. We would be able to hit the ground running earlier if you arrived on time.
When you don’t clean your room, I feel like you aren’t invested in our home. I would be confident that you cared about our space if you tidied up once a week.
So I changed my tactic. Instead of barging up to the desk out of nowhere, in our next check-in, I said, “Hey, when I come up to the desk and see you on your phone it makes me feel like you’re not ready to help our guests. I think it would make a better impression if you weren’t on your phone.”
She was surprised and explained that she had our chat app for work on her phone and used it to follow the team discussions and answer questions while her email and other tabs were open on her computer. That way, she didn’t have to keep minimizing and moving things around.
That made total sense, but I had no idea. Easy solution? Grab her a second monitor so she could have any windows she needed open at the same time. After that, I rarely saw the phone. And when I did, it was brief. Everybody’s gotta text sometimes.
Why does this script help you change someone’s behavior?
For quite a few reasons, actually. We’ll cover just a few. First, it focuses on a pattern of behavior without using the words “always” and “never.” It’s more helpful to give feedback on patterns of behavior that leverage specific events as examples. Looking at patterns helps alleviate recency bias where we tend to recall and assign greater weight to events that have happened more recently.
Second, it helps the person see the impact or consequences of their behavior. Statements like “it made me feel” and “I noticed that” are more difficult to argue with, and using those phrases will keep the feedback session from devolving into a debate. You’re simply stating the impact or your perception and the focus is on you, not them.
Third, it gives them a sense of agency. Our instinct when trying to influence others' actions is to give orders, but this approach often fails, because when people feel their independence has been limited, they get anxious and demotivated and are likely to retaliate. Instead you can expand people's sense of agency to make them happier, healthier, more productive, and more compliant. If I had told the receptionist to never use her phone at her desk again or, worse, created a blanket ban for the team with no explanation, I’d basically be running a high school. Or a prison. The, “Hey, I’d be happier if you did ______ instead,” feedback gives them a choice. Of course I want them to bend to my will (only half joking), but when they feel like it’s their decision, they’re much more likely to change.
This works for positive feedback and maintaining desired behavior as well
Think of the mental energy it takes to wonder if you’re doing a good job or doing something right. You don’t want to ask because you don’t want to seem needy or like you’re digging for a compliment. Or you don’t want to find out you’re doing it wrong, so you fly under the radar. Giving effective and detailed positive feedback gives people guidance or a confidence boost and allows them to really put their foot on the gas.
Instead of just saying, “You’re doing a great job,” get specific. When you get your reports in ahead of schedule every month, I really appreciate it because it gives me a few extra days to do my part of the project. Guess what? The reports are probably always going to be on time after that. When someone knows that getting their report in early helps the team and that it made you happy, they might also think, okay what can I do to get it in even earlier? Are there other things I can get to people ahead of schedule that would help like that?
Change isn’t always instant, but it’s possible if you’re willing to put in the work
Will this work right away every time? Of course not. People will change their behavior if they see the new behavior as easy, rewarding and normal, so this script works best when people are willing to change or indifferent to the situation in the first place. You’ll get a response like, “Oh, I didn’t know it bothered you. Sure,” or, “Ah, I’m sorry. Yeah, I’ll try to do better.”
If your feedback is being delivered for the very first time, the person is unwilling to change, they don’t like talking about the subject, or they don’t like you, it’ll be harder. But not impossible! That’s why it’s important to use a script, approach the situation when you’re not in a negative move, and use repetition.
Seal the change deal with these techniques
After you use your script, express gratitude. Thank the person for listening. Say you appreciate them taking the time to hear you out. If you see change take place or start to take place, positively reinforce the behavior. When your roommate does the dishes, say, “Hey, thanks for doing the dishes. I really appreciate it.” You can also offer to reciprocate the good behavior. After you thank the person, see if there’s anything you can do for them. “I’ve noticed that you’ve stopped using your phone when we talk. I really appreciate that. I think our conversations are so much better. If there’s anything I can do for you, just let me know.”
If anyone tells you that changing people is impossible, they probably just haven’t tried the right way. And I bet you can change their mind.
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