Why to validate someone—even when you don't agree

If you’ve ever been in a conversation with me, especially if you’ve asked for advice or are being coached, you’ve probably heard me say, “That makes total sense.” Typically, whoever I’m talking to will have a clear reaction to the phrase: their shoulders will relax, they’ll nod, or they’ll look relieved. That’s because I’ve validated what they’ve said, and it’s one of the most powerful tools in my communication tool belt.

What is validation?

Validation means that you recognize another person’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors as understandable and valid. As we reiterate in every one of Commcoterie’s workshops and programs, communicating that recognition is one of the most important parts of active listening. It shows another person that we hear them and provides an invitation for them to elaborate if they choose. Consider the following conversation:

Your roommate: My coworker did it again! He made us miss our deadline. I can’t stand him. I don’t know what to do.

You: Mmm.

Your roommate: He’s an idiot. Should I rat him out? That’s crazy. I’ll look like a tattletale. But our boss needs to know.

You: Yeah, I dunno!

Your roommate: He’s bringing our whole team down. We’re all going to get in trouble…

Etc., etc., etc.

This conversation will most likely continue on and on with no clear end because your roommate has no indication that you actually understand what is going on, the level of their frustration, and the possible consequences. Despite the fact that you are participating in the conversation, you’re not adding any value, you’re just going through the motions (understandable if this is the millionth time you’ve heard this speech, which is all the more reason to give your roommate the support they need). If the person you’re talking to (or the person who is talking at you) feels like they’re not understood or you’re not listening, they might keep doubling down and repeating themselves. What they want is a reaction from you, because we all want to be validated. Consider the alternative, using validation:

Your roommate: My coworker did it again! He made us miss our deadline. I can’t stand him. I don’t know what to do.

You (stop what you’re doing, make eye contact, nod): That sounds really frustrating.

Your roommate (chills out slightly): It is. He’s dumb.

You: It makes sense that it’s stressing you out.

Your roommate (sigh): I am stressed. I’m going to go for a walk. Need me to grab anything while I’m out?

You: Cake!

Okay, a conversation that ends in cake is the ideal situation. It won’t always get wrapped up in a sweet, pretty bow, but when you validate someone and they feel heard and understood, it can have a calming and comforting effect.

Why does validation work?

Psychologically, feeling understood and accepted by being validated could reduce emotional arousal and negative affect. Think about a time when you felt validated. Maybe a parent or teacher listened to you and took your thoughts and emotions seriously when you were a child. Maybe a friend canceled plans to sit with you and listen during a time of need. Maybe a partner matched your excitement when you shared some good news. There’s a chance your memory of these events is powerful and you might be able to feel an emotional reaction—a small surge of that validation—right now.

If you’ve ever validated someone, you’ve contributed to that powerful feeling and memory for them. Pay attention next time you validate someone and see if you can notice their reaction, the outcome of the conversation, and the impact validation has. It’s not always life-changing, but even small acts of validation can be powerful.

Why would I validate someone if I don’t agree with them?

Maybe your friend, partner, family member, or coworker says or does things that you would never, ever do. Why would you validate their words and actions? Disagreement is often the reason that we don’t validate someone, but the good news is, you don’t need to agree with someone to validate their feelings! All you’re doing is accepting their individual experience and saying that their emotions are understandable.

For example, if a coworker approaches you and says, “We’ve been asking about this update for months, why haven’t you done it?” your first instinct might be to get defensive or snap back. Instead, you can say something like, “It makes total sense that you’re frustrated. We had a few urgent updates ahead of yours in the queue, but our target is the end of the month. What can we do between now and then to make things easier for your team?” At first glance, you might be thinking, Don’t say that! You’re letting this angry person walk all over you! 

But in reality, you’re not. You’re simply acknowledging that they are frustrated, giving them background so they know what’s going on, and actually putting the ball back in their court to come up with a solution. 

If you read the conversation carefully, you’ll notice that I didn’t advocate agreeing with the complaining coworker. I said it makes sense that they’re frustrated because it does! I didn’t even say to apologize or for you to take ownership of coming up with a solution. You gave them the option to continue the conversation with no guarantee that you would agree or do more work. Maybe they’ll respond by throwing up their hands and saying, “Ugh, there’s nothing we can do! The end of the month is fine.” Or maybe they’ll come up with a solution! Even if they get mad, that’s still on them. All you can do is try to keep the conversation positive or neutral but effective.

Validation doesn’t mean, “I agree with you,” it means, “I hear you.”

What are some good ways to validate someone?

There are plenty of ways you can validate someone. Here are a few phrases:

• “It’s totally understandable that you reacted that way.”

• “I can definitely see how you thought that.”

• “Considering all that’s happened, that makes total sense.”

Want to learn more about validation and other impactful team communication techniques?

Register for our next Communication Roundtable roundtable, a free virtual strategy session for leaders, managers, HR teams, and anyone who wants to level up their team communication.

You’ll walk away with strategies you can implement right away so that you can make the most of the resources you have and engage teams to do their best work.